


Never going back again

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: A little bit of angst if it can be called that, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mainly what I would like to happen for Season 8 but I know it wont, Not a fix it fic either, Or maybe its just my wishful thinking, Post Season 7, Pretty much ignoring Season 6 and most of season 7, This is not an Ian hate fic or Mickey punishing Ian fic, Working shit out and getting back together the way I think they would
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 12:00:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10536027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: Three months after Ian left Mickey at the border and Monica's death Ian decides he's had enough and is done with Chicago. Caught up in so much regret he reaches out to Mickey to make amends after realizing he left the one person who gave a shit about him and hopes Mickey wont tell him to fuck off even though Ian knows he deserves it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I swore I'd never write this because I hated the whole prison and escaping and running to Mexico storyline and I've been quite vocal about it so this is me eating my words and hanging my head in shame and sharing what I wrote.

Ian felt nothing but regret ever since the day he left Mickey at the border between America and Mexico. Ever since he came back home and found out Monica had died he realized just how alone he was now despite the animosity he had towards his mother. He realized the hard way that his family with the exception of Frank didn't care she was dead and were actually happy she was six foot underneath the ground somewhere in Chicago.

Ian tried to pretend he didn't care but as his siblings washed their hands off their mother he wondered if they felt the same way about him since he had bipolar disorder too. It didn't matter to them that he was now stable because they were back to treating him indifferently and once again he faded into the background just like before his disorder made its appearance in his life.

Fiona had completely washed her hands off of him too and told him in no way was he to call her if was in trouble. To throw more salt into his gaping wound his other siblings had their own lives and made it clear they didnt care about the others anymore. As Ian heard Fiona say that to him he realized Mickey would never do that to him and he realized he came back home for nothing. He wished he could just turn back time and cross the border with his boyfriend who probably now hated him for abandoning him once again.

When he left Mickey at the border he was afraid and Fiona had gotten into his head about stability and getting his shit together and that Mickey would ruin it all. But now that he was home he saw that she was wrong and a hypocrite and that Mickey made him feel alive and made him feel everything including normal. Three months had passed since that day at the border. It was late evening and dark when Ian was in his bedroom lying in his bed staring at the burner phone in his hand that Mickey gave him all those months ago.

Ian tried to convince himself he did the right thing but at this stage he knew he was just lying to himself because all he did was think about Mickey and had pretty much cut everyone out of his life. He stared at the phone almost everyday hating that feeling of regret as Mickey's words replayed in his head over and over taunting him all the time. He didnt want to be here anymore, he wanted to be with Mickey and wanted to explain why he decided not to go to Mexico.

But as he stood there that day all he felt was fear and that Mickey didnt need his shit in his life. He knew Mickey would resort to stealing again to get him his meds and Ian didnt want to put Mickey at risk of getting caught and sent to jail again over his stupid red headed ass. But he couldnt say all of that back then and every night he stared at the phone willing himself to call Mickey just to hear his voice one more time even though he knew Mickey would tell him to fuck off and rightly so.

Ian hated himself for leaving Mickey again and for forcing him to cross the border alone with his knuckle tattoos on full display which increased his risk of getting caught. Ever since that day Ian had just felt miserable and he knew he did the wrong thing because he realized that the only person who cared about him was no longer in Chicago. Ian now knew he was an idiot because he thought his family cared about him and over the last month or two he realized they were the most selfish people on the planet.

They never used to be like that but they changed and Ian hated what they had turned into which was why he was able to slip in and out of the house at all hours without them noticing he was gone. Ian was still stable, he knew him feeling like this was nothing to do with his meds or his disorder and therapy helped him to see that too. That it was okay to feel all these emotions like anger, sadness, hurt, self hatred and largely so much regret.

That feeling all these things didnt mean it was his disorder. It was just him knowing he had made shitty decisions and threw away the best thing to ever happen to him which was Mickey. Ian sat up while holding the phone tightly in his hand and stared at it knowing he couldnt go back on this as he finally made his decision to call Mickey. He hadnt heard from Mickey since he left him at the border and he didnt blame him for it either.

Mickey just sent him a text saying 'made it and fuck you Gallagher' and Ian knew there was a lot of hurt and anger behind those words. He was even more surprised when a few days later he got another text from Mickey giving him the number to his new phone with the message 'call me if you ever fucking feel like it but I know you wont' and then nothing since.

Ian knew Mickey was probably drunk when he sent that message but he hadnt worked up the courage to reply until now and he knew Mickey would give him shit for being a coward. Ian knew he had a history of bailing on Mickey when he needed someone but Ian knew he was just a coward that thought Mickey deserved better which was why he made a decision and was sticking to it this time.

He called Mickey's number and put the phone to his ear while staring at the door hoping that the number was still in service and swallowed the saliva that built up in his mouth. He didnt have to wait too long as Mickey answered "the fuck you want Gallagher" coldly. Ian gripped the phone knowing Mickey was never one for small talk but it didnt stop him hesitating "hey, just needed to talk to you" softly as he gripped the edge of the mattress.

Mickey scoffed "after three fucking months, so I'm good enough for you now" angrily. Ian nodded knowing he deserved that replying "I know youre pissed at me, dont blame you" not hiding the sadness from his voice. On the other side of the phone Mickey was in his small one bedroomed apartment sitting on his sofa feeling the anger he felt boil over hissing "I've every fucking right to be" angrily as he drank a bottle of beer.

Ian nodded in agreement before replying "yeah I know" firmly. There was a tense silence and Ian thought Mickey had hung up the phone when he heard Mickey blurt out "there a fucking reason youre calling me, thought you were all stable and shit with a fucking boyfriend" coldly. Mickey glared at the bottle of beer in his hand feeling annoyed that he was taking he anger out on Ian but he was still hurt from when Ian left him that day.

He heard Ian clear his throat over the phone before blurting out "uh Monica died when I came back" in a whisper. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand feeling some that anger deflate as he let out a tense sigh before asking "you okay" softly no trace of anger in his voice. In Ian's room he almost sobbed on the phone as he gripped his mattress again and squeezed his eyes shut wetly replying "not really" softly.

Ian looked at the door again hoping one of his siblings wouldn't come crashing into his room blurting out all at once "I just feel so alone and I made the wrong decision, my family don't care anymore and they are glad Monica is dead, Fiona washed her hands off me and told me she didn't want to know if something happened to me, Lip's an alcoholic and I've got no one" sadly.

In Mickey's apartment he let his head fall back a little before sitting up in his seat feeling a mix of wanting to be pissed at Ian and comfort him at the same time. Even though he was so angry and hurt at Ian he couldn't lie to himself anymore. Because he still cared about Ian and he still loved him so much too which he also hated because he was finding it hard to cut Ian out of his life completely.

It was probably why a few days after he got settled in a new country he sent Ian a text with his new number and he wasn't drunk when he sent it so couldn't blame alcohol for it. He knew he sent that message because he still cared about Ian and he knew the Gallagher's were too selfish to ever give a shit about Ian and it looked like he was right. Mickey saw it back then when they didn't care Ian was missing for months, he knew Ian would be dead in the snow if he hadn't of went looking for him at the bars and clubs on the Northside.

He also saw the way they looked at Ian like he was another Monica and he hated that, he hated that they either ignored Ian or looked at him like he was about to lose his shit. Mickey knew he wanted Ian to have someone on his side that he could talk to when Ian finally realized his siblings didn't give a shit about him except when it personally affected their own lives.

Mickey didn't actually think it would happen and he didn't want it to because Ian didn't deserve that but now that it did happen Mickey wasn't going to tell Ian to fuck off. But he knew he would remain wary because he was just waiting for Ian to leave him again. All Mickey had ever experienced was people leaving him and not giving a shit about hurting him the process and he never thought Ian would be that person to leave too.

Mickey drank some of his beer before asking "what about your boyfriend" curiously. Ian bitterly scoffed "I dumped him" not adding he's not you. Mickey smirked asking "oh yeah, realize what you were missing or some shit on the fucking road" lightly. Ian softly laughed feeling himself start to relax as the fell into their easy conversation blurting out before he could stop it "yeah something like that" softly.

They fell into another comfortable silence before Ian stumbled over the words in his head before blurting out "I miss you" in a whisper. Mickey's breath hitched as he stared across the room in his apartment before blurting out "dont say shit you don't mean" defensively. Ian lay down on his bed figuring he deserved that replying "I do mean it, it just took me a long time to realize that" not hiding just much he meant the words.

Mickey noticed Ian was serious almost whispering into the phone "I miss you too Ian" softly hating that he just admitted that out loud. Ian let out a sob while staring at the ceiling in his room blurting "I fucked up, I got scared and fucked up and left you again" not adding I fucking hate myself and hoping Mickey didnt notice the self loathing his voice. Mickey did notice it and rubbed his face with his hand almost whispering "don't worry about it" not adding I'm used to it.

Ian wasn't having and sniffed wetly replying "no I mean it, I'm not happy anymore, haven't been in a long fucking time, I tried to tell myself I was but I'm not, I don't want to be here anymore" softly. Mickey was freaking out now as he wondered did Ian mean he was depressed and wanted to die. He didnt have to ask as Ian continued "I mean its not anything to do with my disorder, there is nothing left here for me anymore" and fell silent before whispering "youre not here" softly.

Mickey felt himself wanting to ask Ian to come to Mexico but he stopped himself because he wasnt putting himself out there again. If Ian wanted to be with him again then Ian could invite himself down to Mexico. Mickey swapped the phone to his other ear with his hand asking "thought you had a job now, part of the fucking establishment now you fucking traitor" lightly.

Ian laughed as he stared at the ceiling feeling less alone than he did for three months replying " yeah I know" lightly. Mickey grunted "but then you always had a fucking hero complex anyway" humoredly. There was another less tense and more comfortable silence before Ian let out a sigh feeling that tension slowly leave his body replying "starting to think its not for me, think I'm doing it to prove something to myself" and paused before adding "that I'm not Monica" softly.

Mickey nodded before replying "youre not Monica just like I'm not Terry" firmly. There was another short silence before Mickey blurted out "hey uh, I got to hang up in a bit, got to get ready for work in an hour" softly. Ian lightly chuckled "you legit now" humoredly. Mickey scoffed feeling embarrased and glad Ian couldnt see it replying "yeah, feel like fucking ringing Terry in prison and telling him just so he'll have a heart attack but I like my freedom here too much to do it" lightly.

Ian agreed replying "good" firmly. Mickey was curious asking "they still looking for me in Chicago" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "no they gave up after a few weeks, guess they thought if you were going to show up here you would have already but it wouldnt suprise me if they are still looking on the down low if you know what I mean" firmly. Mickey scoffed "yeah of course they are" icily.

Ian cleared his throat deciding he needed to say it but didnt get the chance as Mickey blurted out "I've got some of that money I owe you saved, I'll send it on to you in a few days" lightly. Ian sat up on his bed feeling that uneasy feeling again but he knew his mind was made up replying "keep it" firmly. Mickey scoffed "fuck you, I'm not some bitch, I keep my fucking promises, I said I'd pay you back" angrily.

Ian figited a little hating he couldnt get his thoughts together forcing out "you can pay me back when I get down there in a few weeks" firmly. There was dead silence and Ian was sure Mickey hung up the phone and was about to end the call when Mickey told him "you better not be fucking messing with me Gallagher" angrily and not hiding the wariness in his voice.

Ian noticed the wariness and hated he was the cause of it not hesistating as he replied "I'm not, I mean it this time, this isnt my disorder talking, I've been thinking about this for weeks" firmly. Another silence fell before Mickey blurted out "okay" pausing before adding "so uh what's your plan" curiously. Mickey knew he was testing Ian with this question and he wasnt expecting Ian have an answer at all.

He was surprised when Ian didnt even hesitate and told him "I'll get the bus back to Texas and hitch a ride with a truck driver across the border, a stolen car might take too much attention, got a fake passport lined up to collect in a few days, been working as much as I can to get enough money to get down there and keep me covered for a while until I find work down there, just need to find somewhere to get my meds, just want to have everything covered and hand in my notice at work before I leave, will be leaving my phone behind so I cant be tracked but I will have this burner phone on me so you can call me" firmly.

Mickey's jaw dropped in shock as he was not expecting this but that voice his head told him becareful as he drank some more of his beer before replying "sounds like a good plan" really wanting to let himself believe Ian this time around. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand before telling Ian "have to go now, work remember" lightly. Ian softly laughed replying "yeah" and fell silent before shyly asking "can I call you between now and when I leave" curiously.

Mickey really wanted to say no, he wanted to listen to that voice in his mind that told him dont trust that red head but he ignored it replying "yeah you can, we got arrange a meet up plan anyway" firmly. Mickey was about to hang up before Ian told him "it was good talking to you" genuinely. Mickey noticed it replying "yeah you too" and was surprised he meant it.

They both said their goodbyes and ended the call before getting lost in their own thoughts in two different countries. Ian knew he was doing the right thing and he hated he didnt realize that the day they were sitting at the border. He also knew Mickey didnt really believe him when he said he was coming to Mexico. Even though Mickey sounded hopeful Ian knew Mickey was also feeling cautious and Ian hated that it was him who made Mickey feel that way.

Ian hid the burner phone in the spot where he hid things he didnt want his family seeing deciding he wasnt changing his mind this time. He knew leaving Chicago was the right thing to do and he wasnt letting fear hold him back from living his life anymore.

Mickey knew he was doubful Ian would follow through on his plans but he hoped Ian would stay true to his word this time. He wanted it so badly he knew it was going to hurt when Ian let him down again. He also knew if it did happen and Ian came to Mexico that he was setting Ian straight and telling him he wasnt doing this anymore with Ian. He couldnt take the push and pull thing they had going for years anymore and he knew he was done with Ian changing his mind when things got too real.

As Mickey got ready for work he tried to convince himself he was done with Ian even though there was another whisper in his mind that told him he would never be done with Ian. As he left his apartment he shook his head and tried to convince himself he was done with Ian and that there was no way Ian would show up in a few weeks so when it happened it wouldnt hurt as much as it did three months ago.

* * *

 

Mickey knew his plan of being done with Ian wouldnt last even after he told Ian when he crossed the border and got to his apartment that he was done and just wanted to be friends. He was even more surprised that Ian agreed to it and also looked hurt too but went along with it anyway. Ian had been here a month and they were now living and working together but all that awkwardness at first finally disappeared. It was hard for Mickey at first as they both talked about everything and argued a lot but Mickey felt much better than he did months ago.

As Mickey sat on the sofa in their apartment he looked over at Ian who was sitting beside him as they watched a movie on the small TV. At this stage he was ignoring the movie as he kept glancing over at the red head deciding he wanted his boyfriend back and he was done making Ian feel like shit over something that happened months ago. He almost felt like he was punishing himself in a way in that he was denying to himself the one thing he wanted which was Ian.

He knew missed Ian and there was difference in how they interacted now and Mickey hated the distance and he felt like Ian was just giving him space which he appreciated at first but now it was pissing him off so much because he noticed the longing looks Ian gave him sometimes. Mickey just missed being with Ian in every way and this whole just friends thing was a stupid idea and he hated the space between them both as they sat on the sofa.

Mickey knew Ian felt so bad about everything after they talked about all the shit that happened and Ian spent more than enough time apologizing and explaining himself for fucking up so badly and he knew Ian was genuinely sorry. He was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian lightly elbow him in the ribs asking "the fuck you looking at" lightly as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey flinched as he blinked at Ian trying to hide his grin by rubbing his lip with his thumb hesitantly blurting out "just thinking" lightly. Ian scoffed rolling his eyes "that's got to hurt" lightly. Mickey playfully whacked Ian on the stomach while laughing "fuck you asshole" lightly. Ian groaned as he laughed while grabbing Mickey's hand in his own as he looked at him replying "that hurt" softly. Mickey didnt look away from Ian while scoffing "that's what you get" softly.

They fell into a comfortable silence just looking at each other before Mickey cleared his throat noticing Ian still had a grip on his hand before shyly asking" you regret coming down here" in a whisper. Ian softly smiled not even hesitating "no just regret not doing it in the first place, I was a fucking coward" firmly. Mickey wasnt having it deciding to sit right up against Ian so his chest was against Ian's shoulder and their legs were touching replying "its done Ian, I forgive you, we talked about this shit" softly.

Ian nodded and turned on his side to face Mickey resting his other hand on Mickey's ribs replying "I know but I still feel bad, was just so scared I would fuck up everything for you again like I already did, thought you deserved better than me, that you didn't need my shit bringing you down and didn't have the guts to say it that day" sadly. Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head before lightly tugging on the red hair replying "I fucked it up Ian not you, kind of assumed you would come with me and wasn't really thinking about you being scared" softly.

Ian nodded looking down at their entwined hands resting in Mickey's lap thinking he could have had this a lot sooner if he hadn't been an idiot blurting out "I just miss you, I want us to be like how we were before all this shit happened" sadly. That was it for Mickey as he let his hand slide down from Ian's hair and settle on his stomach lightly gripping his tshirt that Mickey was sure Ian stole from him not that he minded at all before asking "so what's stopping you" curiously.

As Mickey silently looked at Ian he knew he wanted him back for weeks but he decided he was letting Ian make the move first because he was done putting himself out there first and a lot of it was fear too. Ian looked up to see Mickey looking at him intensely with a soft smirk on his face letting him know it was his move and Ian hated himself for freezing on the spot when Mickey more or less told him he wanted the same thing too.

Mickey softly laughed moving his hand from gripping Ian's tshirt and resting it on Ian's hip and it was enough to shake Ian out of his thoughts. Ian moved a little closer to Mickey hesitantly asking "I know you said I always had your back more than your family did but I could say the same for you and I just wish I realized it sooner and not been in my head so much" not hiding the hurt from his voice.

When Ian left Chicago all those months ago and cut all contact with his family he found he didn't regret it at all. Mickey had enough of talking but decided to let Ian say what he needed to say replying "I know but its just us now, no point in fucking looking back on that shit" softly. Ian nodded in agreement before hesitating and forcing out "just dont want to hurt you again" sadly before looking at the ground.

Mickey couldn't deny that replying "got to say I wont go so easy on you if you do it again but Ian I need to know if you want this or not, if you don't just say so and we can just be friends" hoping Ian didn't pick up on the insecurity in his voice. Ian did notice it but didnt comment on it as he looked at Mickey not hesitating honestly replying "I'm tired of being scared, I just want to be happy and you make me happy, you said years ago what we had made you free, guess its like that for me too but its just scares me" shyly.

Mickey wanted to laugh but he didnt knowing how hard it was for Ian to say that and wasnt able to stop himself from saying "I miss you too, you know how hard it is for the last three months being just friends" not even caring what he just admitted. Ian softly smiled knowing he was in the same situation replying "yeah" in a whisper. Mickey could see Ian was close to caving in as Ian whispered "I love you" softly.

Mickey grinned replying "fucking prove it" lightly. Ian laughed feeling much lighter now that they had talked before resting his hand on the back of Mickey's neck and kissing him intensely. Mickey pushed Ian back on the sofa and lay on top of him resting between Ian's legs and kissed him again before looking down at Ian almost whispering "now show me how much you missed me" not adding it was torture watching you walk around shirtless for the last three months and not being able to touch you.

Mickey lightly tugged at Ian's hair as he looked at him replying "I love you too you big giant fuck up" humoredly with nothing but love for Ian on his face. Ian laughed as his ran his hands along Mickey's spine under his shirt feeling the warm skin under his hands. Ian rolled his eyes replying "youre never going to let me forget it are you" lightly. Mickey smirked at him playfully replying "nope but you can help me forget it" suggestively as he moved to stand up and grabbed Ian's hand pulling him of the sofa before they walked into their bedroom for the night.

As Ian followed him into their bedroom he let out a sigh of relief knowing he finally got his boyfriend back and he felt like he would okay and he knew he wouldnt mess it up this time. He was happy again and he knew Mickey was too especially when a month later Mickey told Ian they were definately boyfriends again. Ian was delighted at that because he felt like he had his life back which he never thought would happen again after how much he fucked eveything thing up just because he was scared and he knew he made the right decison leaving Chicago.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read it I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading it.


End file.
